“5 Toxic Habits That Destroy Your Relationship (and How to Get Rid of Them)”
-
Is your partner pulling away from you, spending more time with friends or their mother? - Do you try to talk to your partner, but they snap back and ask you to “stop nagging”?
- Do you wish your partner would support you, but they just roll their eyes and say, “Why are you always upset over nothing?”
- Do you feel furious because you have to handle everything yourself while your other half just complains and lazes around?
- Have you spent the whole evening cooking dinner, only to hear your partner say, “Well, my mom cooks differently,” leaving you ready to lose your mind?
- Do all your attempts to talk end in blame and accusations on both sides?
The truth is, all couples go through a period of friction. It doesn’t mean one of you is “bad.” It’s simply that each of you uses patterns learned in childhood, acting on autopilot and failing to see your partner for who they really are. Instead of trying to step into your partner’s shoes, you end up fighting them.
I’ll share 5 stories about couples who struggled with communication yet managed to overcome their issues. You’ll probably recognize yourself in some of these scenarios.
01
Devaluing someone else’s emotions
Clara is annoyed that her husband George constantly complains to her about his misfortunes. Clara is lively, active, and self-assured, used to handling her own problems. Her outlook is: “Why whine? It won’t help anyway. Just fix it. This constant whining is killing me.”
Growing up, Clara’s strict parents discouraged showing emotion. She also did sports and got used to discipline and self-reliance. For her, George’s emotional displays feel like weakness.
George was raised in a family where emotional expression was normal. If he fell and cried, his mom would kiss him, hug him, blow on his scraped knee, and comfort him. If he complained about school, everyone rushed to help. For George, Clara’s coldness is baffling. “She doesn’t love me—if she did, she’d sympathize,” he complains.
What did Clara do?
Initially, she found it extremely hard not to snap whenever George began his usual lament: “I’m so exhausted today… That client was terrible….” But this time, she just walked up to him silently and hugged him. They stood there for a minute, and she gently patted his back. George abruptly stopped complaining.
“Tell me how you dealt with that horrible client,” Clara said with a smile. George lit up: “Oh, I used my secret weapon…”
George was raised in a family where emotional expression was normal. If he fell and cried, his mom would kiss him, hug him, blow on his scraped knee, and comfort him. If he complained about school, everyone rushed to help. For George, Clara’s coldness is baffling. “She doesn’t love me—if she did, she’d sympathize,” he complains.
What did Clara do?
Initially, she found it extremely hard not to snap whenever George began his usual lament: “I’m so exhausted today… That client was terrible….” But this time, she just walked up to him silently and hugged him. They stood there for a minute, and she gently patted his back. George abruptly stopped complaining.
“Tell me how you dealt with that horrible client,” Clara said with a smile. George lit up: “Oh, I used my secret weapon…”
What to Do?
Sometimes you just need to accept the other person’s feelings without dismissing them. For instance, “I see you’re upset. If you feel like talking about it, I’m here.”
02
Sarcasm
Lucy and Victor have different temperaments. Victor is organized and loves order, while Lucy is creative, giggly, but somewhat scatterbrained. They complement each other well, but Lucy’s forgetfulness irritates Victor, who frequently resorts to sarcasm.
For example, when they’re getting ready for a concert, Victor’s been waiting for ages. When Lucy finally appears, Victor rolls his eyes: “Oh look, our queen has arrived—only took two hours!”
Lucy fires back with sarcastic remarks of her own. If Victor buys her flowers for no reason, she responds, “Oh, what’s the occasion? Since when do I deserve this sudden attention?”
As a result, their irritation grows, and each conversation turns into an exchange of mocking remarks.
For example, when they’re getting ready for a concert, Victor’s been waiting for ages. When Lucy finally appears, Victor rolls his eyes: “Oh look, our queen has arrived—only took two hours!”
Lucy fires back with sarcastic remarks of her own. If Victor buys her flowers for no reason, she responds, “Oh, what’s the occasion? Since when do I deserve this sudden attention?”
As a result, their irritation grows, and each conversation turns into an exchange of mocking remarks.
Sarcasm can hurt even if you don’t mean to offend. People sense it as hidden aggression.
You might think the person will realize their “mistake,” but they see it as an attack and respond in kind. If you don’t break this cycle, it can get to where you can’t have a normal conversation anymore without sniping at each other.
What did Lucy and Victor do?
They agreed that every time one of them made a sarcastic comment, that person would pay a $10 “fine” into a shared fund.
Victor, who handles the logistical side of things, promised he’d factor in Lucy’s temperament: “I used to think getting ready for a concert took 30 minutes. Now I allow an hour, because Lucy needs more time. But she looks fabulous, she’s in a great mood, and we don’t fight!”
Lucy also realized that Victor needs structure and hates tardiness: “I warn him in advance when I need more time, and I ask him to remind me of important dates. Victor’s happy to do it. Now we have a planner on our fridge. It really helps!”
You might think the person will realize their “mistake,” but they see it as an attack and respond in kind. If you don’t break this cycle, it can get to where you can’t have a normal conversation anymore without sniping at each other.
What did Lucy and Victor do?
They agreed that every time one of them made a sarcastic comment, that person would pay a $10 “fine” into a shared fund.
Victor, who handles the logistical side of things, promised he’d factor in Lucy’s temperament: “I used to think getting ready for a concert took 30 minutes. Now I allow an hour, because Lucy needs more time. But she looks fabulous, she’s in a great mood, and we don’t fight!”
Lucy also realized that Victor needs structure and hates tardiness: “I warn him in advance when I need more time, and I ask him to remind me of important dates. Victor’s happy to do it. Now we have a planner on our fridge. It really helps!”
What to Do?
To resolve this issue, be aware of moments when you want to make a sarcastic jab and control your speech. Instead of being snarky, calmly say what bothers you and propose a solution that works for both.
03
Shifting blame instead of admitting mistakes
Simon complains that his wife Lilian avoids responsibility whenever she makes a mistake, always blaming him or someone else. “She always blames someone else, mostly me,” Simon grumbles.
“We invited guests over and planned to cook together. I asked her to buy vegetables on her way home, she forgot, then said it was my fault for not reminding her! This is constant. If we go traveling and get caught in the rain, I’m to blame for not checking the forecast. She breaks a vase—I’m to blame for not putting it away. She makes a mistake in her work report—her colleagues distracted her! It’s unbearable.”
Lilian points out that Simon reacts very emotionally to her mistakes: “When he lectures me like a parent, I feel I have to defend myself.” Both come from strict families. Simon was sternly reprimanded for any slip-ups; now he does the same to Lilian. Lilian learned to dodge punishment by blaming others.
“We invited guests over and planned to cook together. I asked her to buy vegetables on her way home, she forgot, then said it was my fault for not reminding her! This is constant. If we go traveling and get caught in the rain, I’m to blame for not checking the forecast. She breaks a vase—I’m to blame for not putting it away. She makes a mistake in her work report—her colleagues distracted her! It’s unbearable.”
Lilian points out that Simon reacts very emotionally to her mistakes: “When he lectures me like a parent, I feel I have to defend myself.” Both come from strict families. Simon was sternly reprimanded for any slip-ups; now he does the same to Lilian. Lilian learned to dodge punishment by blaming others.
We often bring into our adult relationships the behavioral patterns we developed in childhood. Both Lilian and Simon had strict parents. As a child, Simon was harshly reprimanded for every mistake and forced to correct it. Now he scolds his wife using that same tone.
Lilian learned from an early age that to avoid punishment, you have to find someone to blame: the dog ate the homework, the younger sister ruined the textbook, and so on.
What did Lilian and Simon do?
Lilian admitted that her habit of making excuses came from childhood. She promised to take adult responsibility from now on. Simon realized he was repeating his father’s lecturing style.
They decided they’d face problems together without blaming each other.
On a recent trip, they found their luggage was 5 kg overweight at check-in. Previously, Simon would’ve freaked out and blamed Lilian for overpacking, while Lilian would’ve accused Simon of not weighing the suitcase beforehand. This time, they just laughed, opened the suitcase, put on some extra clothes, and redistributed items to carry-ons.
The problem was solved, and now the couple looks back on it with laughter. “We had a good laugh and made a note for the future: always weigh the suitcase at home,” Simon says with a smile. “It felt so great that we didn’t shout at each other the way we used to. Instead, we tackled the problem together, and I felt like we were a real team!”
Lilian learned from an early age that to avoid punishment, you have to find someone to blame: the dog ate the homework, the younger sister ruined the textbook, and so on.
What did Lilian and Simon do?
Lilian admitted that her habit of making excuses came from childhood. She promised to take adult responsibility from now on. Simon realized he was repeating his father’s lecturing style.
They decided they’d face problems together without blaming each other.
On a recent trip, they found their luggage was 5 kg overweight at check-in. Previously, Simon would’ve freaked out and blamed Lilian for overpacking, while Lilian would’ve accused Simon of not weighing the suitcase beforehand. This time, they just laughed, opened the suitcase, put on some extra clothes, and redistributed items to carry-ons.
The problem was solved, and now the couple looks back on it with laughter. “We had a good laugh and made a note for the future: always weigh the suitcase at home,” Simon says with a smile. “It felt so great that we didn’t shout at each other the way we used to. Instead, we tackled the problem together, and I felt like we were a real team!”
What to do?
First, notice these patterns in your behavior.
Take responsibility and learn to admit mistakes.
See problems as “us vs. the problem,” not “me vs. you.”
Take responsibility and learn to admit mistakes.
See problems as “us vs. the problem,” not “me vs. you.”
04
Unsolicited advice
Mark and Isabelle often fight because Isabelle floods Mark with her advice. Mark complains, “She’s always sure she knows HOW I need to do things or WHAT I should say. If I’m fixing a shelf in the garage, she appears to tell me I’m doing it wrong. If I’m playing with our son, she instructs me how to play with toy cars. If I’m cooking pasta, she lectures me on making tomato sauce correctly! I feel like a child, not an adult!”
Isabelle sees it as showing love: “I don’t want to offend him. I’m just showing I care. If I didn’t love Mark, I wouldn’t bother helping him. This is how I show my love!”
Isabelle sees it as showing love: “I don’t want to offend him. I’m just showing I care. If I didn’t love Mark, I wouldn’t bother helping him. This is how I show my love!”
Mark grew up very independent, with several siblings, so he had to figure things out himself. Isabelle was an only child. Her mom was involved in every step of her life, controlling and guiding her constantly. Isabelle sees giving advice as care.
Isabelle was an only child. Her mother gave her all the attention and was always deeply involved in her life, guiding and overseeing her every step. For Isabelle, this is a sign of care and love.
Only give advice if the other person openly asks you for it or requests your opinion. Or ask your partner directly what they expect from you, for example:
What Did Mark and Isabelle Do?
Isabelle accepted that Mark perceives her advice as lecturing and an attempt at control. When Mark is occupied with something, and she really wants to help, she simply gives him a kiss and says, “Honey, if you need help, just call me.”
Mark understood that Isabelle’s advice is her way of showing care and love. In some situations, he gently tells her, “Sweetheart, I’ve got this.” In others, he asks for her input. “She just lights up when I say, ‘Honey, I need your advice!’ I realized that helping is Isabelle’s way of saying she loves me. Once we stopped arguing about it, I occasionally ask Isabelle for help or advice—and it’s always really wise!”
Isabelle was an only child. Her mother gave her all the attention and was always deeply involved in her life, guiding and overseeing her every step. For Isabelle, this is a sign of care and love.
Only give advice if the other person openly asks you for it or requests your opinion. Or ask your partner directly what they expect from you, for example:
- “Do you need my help with this, or would you rather handle it yourself?”
- “Is there any way I can help?”
- “If you ever need my help or advice, just let me know—I’m right here.”
What Did Mark and Isabelle Do?
Isabelle accepted that Mark perceives her advice as lecturing and an attempt at control. When Mark is occupied with something, and she really wants to help, she simply gives him a kiss and says, “Honey, if you need help, just call me.”
Mark understood that Isabelle’s advice is her way of showing care and love. In some situations, he gently tells her, “Sweetheart, I’ve got this.” In others, he asks for her input. “She just lights up when I say, ‘Honey, I need your advice!’ I realized that helping is Isabelle’s way of saying she loves me. Once we stopped arguing about it, I occasionally ask Isabelle for help or advice—and it’s always really wise!”
What to do?
It’s important to recognize that our behavioral patterns are individual and depend on many circumstances. Your partner may see your advice as an attempt at control and an infringement on personal boundaries.
05
Unspoken expectations
Sofia and Joseph have built up lots of grievances toward each other.
Sofia complains Joseph doesn’t “feel or understand” her. Once, she was sick with a fever, feeling awful, and Joseph just kept to himself in another room. Or she comes home upset from work, and he acts like everything’s fine instead of offering tea, flowers, or comfort.
Joseph also has something to say: “My friends’ wives support their husbands’ hobbies. Gary’s wife goes fishing with him, Tim’s wife helps with gardening. Sofia acts like she doesn’t care about my interests. I run marathons, and she’s never come to cheer me on!”
Sofia complains Joseph doesn’t “feel or understand” her. Once, she was sick with a fever, feeling awful, and Joseph just kept to himself in another room. Or she comes home upset from work, and he acts like everything’s fine instead of offering tea, flowers, or comfort.
Joseph also has something to say: “My friends’ wives support their husbands’ hobbies. Gary’s wife goes fishing with him, Tim’s wife helps with gardening. Sofia acts like she doesn’t care about my interests. I run marathons, and she’s never come to cheer me on!”
Neither Sofia nor Joseph has ever actually talked about what’s important to them. Both assume their partner should automatically share the other’s hobbies, as well as provide care and comfort in a specific way. After all, if you love someone, you just understand each other without words, right?
But that’s not always the case.
We each have our own notions about how to behave in different situations.
When Joseph’s mother fell ill, she’d withdraw to her room and declare loudly, “Don’t bother me! I need to rest!” So young Joseph learned that if someone is sick or upset, you leave them alone rather than trying to comfort them.
Sofia’s father loved going on camping trips. Her mother wasn’t fond of outdoor living but still went along with her husband and little Sofia. During those trips, Sofia’s parents argued constantly, and she concluded that it’s best not to overly support a husband’s hobbies—things could end badly.
What did Sofia and Joseph do?
Sofia told Joseph: “I’d love it if you showed concern when I’m upset or sick—making tea, consoling me, hugging me, asking how I feel. It would mean a lot.” Joseph was relieved—he had no clue why she was upset before.
Joseph said: “I’d really like you to come watch me run sometimes. No need to run yourself—just being there cheering would be enough!” Sofia happily agreed.
They decided to always discuss what they expect from each other.
But that’s not always the case.
We each have our own notions about how to behave in different situations.
When Joseph’s mother fell ill, she’d withdraw to her room and declare loudly, “Don’t bother me! I need to rest!” So young Joseph learned that if someone is sick or upset, you leave them alone rather than trying to comfort them.
Sofia’s father loved going on camping trips. Her mother wasn’t fond of outdoor living but still went along with her husband and little Sofia. During those trips, Sofia’s parents argued constantly, and she concluded that it’s best not to overly support a husband’s hobbies—things could end badly.
What did Sofia and Joseph do?
Sofia told Joseph: “I’d love it if you showed concern when I’m upset or sick—making tea, consoling me, hugging me, asking how I feel. It would mean a lot.” Joseph was relieved—he had no clue why she was upset before.
Joseph said: “I’d really like you to come watch me run sometimes. No need to run yourself—just being there cheering would be enough!” Sofia happily agreed.
They decided to always discuss what they expect from each other.
What to do?
It’s crucial to keep talking to each other—this is the only way you can synchronize your actions and understand your partner’s expectations.
What do these stories teach us?
Sometimes your partner drifts away to friends or their mom because these people accept them as they are, ready to listen and spend time together. Meanwhile, you may be trying to “reform” your partner or not paying enough attention—especially if you’re consumed by work or parenthood. It’s no wonder the bond weakens and you grow distant.
It’s crucial to see your partner as a unique individual whose temperament and worldview may not match yours. Each of us has a “fixed” viewpoint—a filter we use to judge others. As long as we cling to that filter and try to force our partner (or friends, or coworkers) to fit it, our relationships suffer.
Imagine you’re the “boxer” type—confident, organized, decisive—and your partner
It’s crucial to see your partner as a unique individual whose temperament and worldview may not match yours. Each of us has a “fixed” viewpoint—a filter we use to judge others. As long as we cling to that filter and try to force our partner (or friends, or coworkers) to fit it, our relationships suffer.
Imagine you’re the “boxer” type—confident, organized, decisive—and your partner
is a “pianist,” emotional and sensitive. If you keep pushing them to be more forceful, they’ll never be happy because it’s not in their nature. Conversely, if they demand you be more tender and emotional, they’ll be disappointed because that’s not your style.
How to Understand and Accept Your Partner
There’s a great psychological trick: try to be genuinely curious about how your partner is different from you. Appreciate their unique gifts. When someone feels accepted and not pressured, they no longer need to defend themselves.
You can both reach your goals through different means and even enhance each other’s strengths. The “boxer” brings discipline and determination, while the “pianist” offers empathy and emotional insight.
For instance, if you’re looking for a house together: the “boxer” can negotiate with the realtor for a better price and handle financial matters, while the “pianist” looks for a cozy neighborhood, decorates, and creates a warm space.
When you channel your energy into solving problems together instead of fighting each other, it’s as if you both grow wings! You become not only lovers but also best friends who accept each other’s quirks and enjoy your time together.
This guide—your first step to better communication
You’ve discovered 5 toxic communication habits and how to replace them. This guide helps you spot where you may have gone wrong.
Yet these tips don’t just fix your relationship with a partner: they’re universal for dealing with relatives, friends, and coworkers.
Your Next Step. We’ve prepared a mini-course on how women can negotiate with a partner (and others) to reach any agreement and get what they want.
This course teaches you to stay calm when discussing tough topics and structure the conversation so your partner (or anyone else) will hear your point of view and accept your terms.
Yet these tips don’t just fix your relationship with a partner: they’re universal for dealing with relatives, friends, and coworkers.
Your Next Step. We’ve prepared a mini-course on how women can negotiate with a partner (and others) to reach any agreement and get what they want.
This course teaches you to stay calm when discussing tough topics and structure the conversation so your partner (or anyone else) will hear your point of view and accept your terms.
What results will you get after taking the course?
At home with your partner:
- You’ll speak calmly without yelling or criticizing.
- Your partner will start truly hearing what you say instead of ignoring you.
- You’ll see more warmth, respect, and care in your relationship.
At work:
- You’ll confidently propose ideas and get people on board.
- Colleagues see you as a leader and collaborator.
- You’ll set boundaries without guilt.
With friends and those around you:
- You’ll manage to communicate well even with people you couldn’t connect with before.
- You’ll gracefully exit toxic discussions without insults.
- You’ll set boundaries without guilt.
No more draining arguments and stressful conversations that deplete your resources!
Develop negotiation skills and free your energy and time for yourself.
Develop negotiation skills and free your energy and time for yourself.
Claim the Mini-Course to learn the right way to negotiate, so you can achieve what you want in your relationship, family, and at work.
